Last night Glen was uncharacteristically nervous. He’s normally the quiet one and I am the one who gets fidgety but I was really calm. I think it was to compensate for Glen’s nerves. We sat down and read some of the stuff we’d written during the home study and then prepared the questions that Miranda had suggested we might be asked. The big question was how we might explain Glen’s relationship with his dad to a child in our care. We came up with good points to make but Glen was really uncomfortable and nervous and then he told me that he was sure that we were going to be turned down and it would be his fault. He really felt that the issue with his father was going to be the one we could not overcome and felt responsible as it was on his side of the family, so to speak. I reminded him that we could explain that he (Glen) is not responsible for his father’s actions and it was not his fault. We watched some TV and went to bed late to make sure we’d be tired and not spend half the night tossing and turning trying to go to sleep.
When we woke up we opened the curtains to find a grey foggy day. We turned on the news and heard that Madonna’s adoption attempt had failed. Was it an omen? Was today a day for failed adoption dreams? We drove 40 minutes down to the place where the local authority panel meets. On the way I read out the text messages and messages from friends and the comments left on this blog. It was really sweet to feel the support from everyone, even people we’ve never met, so thank you to those who wished us good luck, it meant a lot this morning.
We arrived at the hall where panel meets just after 11. R and A, the couple we met in preparation groups who had their matching panel today were there, waiting to hear the outcome of their panel. We said a quick hello and then we were ushered to the far side of the room to give them some privacy. We saw the panel chair approach them and could see their smiles. They came over to us as soon as the chair left and told us they’ve been matched with a 9-month little girl. They were glowing with happiness. It was really sweet to hear such good news and to see such a positive outcome for them.
Miranda arrived then and looked nervous. She said that she’d been over the paperwork again last night and was feeling confident (even though she didn’t look it). The panel chair approached us, introduced herself and explained they would first start the meeting with Miranda and then she (the chair) would come to get us. They went up to the panel room at 11.15 and we sat waiting by the drinks machine. We had another look at the notes we’d prepared last night to answer the questions and tried not to get too nervous. Glen spilled his coffee three times, although thankfully he managed to avoid spilling it all over himself.
The chair came down at 12.10 to fetch us. We made our way up the stairs and entered the room. For some reason in my head I had pictured it as some sort of courtroom, but it was just a large table with lots of people sat around it. The panel members all had a sign before them with their names and their roles. They each introduced themselves in turn. There were about 10 members (chair, medical advisor, social workers, adopters acting as independent members, a guy from CAMHS, an administrator, and an observer as well as the panel advisor from our local authority and Miranda). It felt like a huge number of people, but most of them were smiling and it didn’t feel too threatening. The chair listed what they thought our strengths were and then asked us about how we’d found the assessment process and to identify the one thing that had stood out in the learning process. We spoke of how we’d found the process less intrusive than we’d expected and how contact with birth families was probably the issue that we’d have never considered before preparation groups and now understood why it needs to happen if possible. After that she asked Glen about his working pattern, and whether he’d have to spend many nights away from home. Glen replied that he hardly ever has to be away because of his job any more as it’s changed recently and many things can be done online. The next question was about our marital status. They were a bit confused by the fact that we were married in Spain and how that “translated” under UK law. Glen replied that “the marriage means nothing”, and I had to step in to explain that what he meant was that it wasn’t recognised as a marriage under UK law but it was recognised as a civil partnership. Everyone laughed at Glen’s wording. Then we were asked if we had a preference for boys or girls. We explained that most of the parents in our support network have boys and of course we feel somewhat better prepared for boys having been boys ourselves. We added that it has been pointed out to us that gay men tend to be matched with boys. The next question was about female role models. We mentioned the names of females in our support network and also made the point that our support network will include the parents of the children that any child matched with us meets at school or other activities. Finally we were asked about other gay parents we had met and whether they had encountered any bad reactions. We talked about NFS members and in particular about S&J, whom I’ve mentioned here before, and how they hadn’t experienced any problems with other kids, their parents, or the teachers at their boy’s school. While we spoke most members were nodding and smiling and we weren’t made to feel uncomfortable at all, although one of the members looked quite stern.
After about 15 minutes of questions we were asked to wait downstairs while they discussed their decision. As soon as we got downstairs we both commented on the fact that we’d not been asked about Glen’s father at all. After all the preparation we’d made for that particular question and how much it had been stressed to us that that could be the biggest hurdle for panel! We decided that either they were so clear that they weren’t going to approve us that it wasn’t worth bothering to go down that line of questioning or Miranda really had done her job at explaining the situation.
Ten minutes after we’d left the room Miranda and the chair came down. Miranda was quite poker-faced, so I did fear the worst for a moment, but the chair said “you can smile now” and then she said how pleased she was to say that we’d been unanimously approved. We were both so relieved! She told us that because of Easter it may be a while before we get the letter of approval from the decision maker (who has to write to us within five working days) but she said that the outcome was unlikely to be any different from the panel’s recommendation given that their decision had been unanimous.
Once the chair had left, Miranda told us what they’d asked about during the time she’d been defending our case. She said that among our strong points were our support network, stable relationship, very good references, and our voluntary work. She also said that they thought that Glen’s relationship with his father and brother was something that an adopted child could relate to, as is the fact that I have mild dyslexic tendencies, and my experiences of bullying at school.
We got in the car and texted everyone. The first reply came from Glen’s mum and that made us get quite emotional. All the way home we got lots of lovely texts from friends and family. I was reading them to Glen, who was driving, and my voice kept shaking as I read them out. We stopped to get something to eat and I did a quick blog update on my mobile (the wonder of mobile technologies!).
By the time we got home it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing, so it’s taken me a few hours to write this with the constant breaks to answer it. We’ve booked a table at our favourite restaurant and we’ll be having a quiet celebration just the two of us. Tomorrow we’re seeing some of our friends and we’ll have a bigger celebration. We are absolutely delighted and physically and emotionally drained. This has been a day we’ll never forget.
