No news

Miranda rang yesterday and spoke to Glen. Alas, the first thing she said was that there’s no news at all. She was ringing to ask about a gay couple who have contacted our local authority and said that we knew them. As it happens, it was the gay couple we met last week, who are having trouble with their local authority and making enquiries with other local authorities just in case.

Miranda said she’d like to visit us in two or three weeks’ time, when the work in the house is done. That way she can have a look at the loft conversion. Maybe she’ll have something to report then?

Meeting more gay prospective adopters

As I have mentioned here before, we have made an effort to meet gay adopters in our area. We met the only couple who were approved by our local authority before us a few months ago, and we’ve also got to know S&J, another local couple who adopted last year. A few weeks ago we were approached by another local couple and after a few failed attempts to meet, they finally came over for pizza last night. Before they arrived (while we tried desperately to make the house look half decent in the middle of all the construction going on) I was thinking about how a few months ago we were the ones getting in touch with people who were ahead of us in the process to share experiences and ask questions and now we are being contacted by people who aren’t yet approved. They are in the middle of their home study and having some issues with their social worker (like most people seem to...). We talked about many of the issues that I’ve discussed here: the process, social workers, ages, boys or girls, support... They are nearly 10 years younger than us. I was quite surprised and in a way quite envious that they are embarking on their adoption process at that age. I wish we had been able to. But of course 10 years ago it wasn’t legally possible and in our minds it was no more than a “wouldn’t it be nice if...”.

Anyhow, we are very keen on setting up a support network of gay adopters around us, and it’s always nice to meet like-minded people so it was very nice to get to know another gay couple on the adoption boat. In a way it’s all a bit forced, isn’t it? Just because we are gay and want to adopt doesn’t mean that we’ll have much more in common, but so far we have got on well with the other couples we have met. J and his son (S couldn’t make it) were supposed to join us last night but the little one got into trouble at school and it was early bed for him. We’ve got this to look forward to... : )

Meeting our fellow adopters’ daughter

Yesterday afternoon we went to see R (she and her husband A were in the prep groups with us and were matched on the day we were approved) and met their baby daughter. A has just grudgingly returned to work after his paternity leave so he wasn’t there. Their baby seems to have really settled in their home and R only had eyes for her. It’s amazing how quickly she’s become a mum! She is already attuned to her daughter’s different ways of expressing herself and is clearly head over heels. We both played with the baby for a while and she was really responsive. I expected her to start crying the moment we picked her up but she was happy to play with Glen for a good 10 minutes before she started reaching for mum and then when it was my turn to hold her she also was quite contented even when her mum left the room to sort out her food. It’s really heart-warming and encouraging to see such a successful match.

The Daily Mail vs Gay Adoption in 2009: Round 3

A letter from the Press Complaints Commission arrived in the post yesterday. Glen wrote to them following their anti-gay adoption articles in early April arguing that the Daily Mail had implied that the children in question had been taken away from their mother for the purpose of being placed with a gay couple. They wrote to explain that they had assessed Glen’s complaint and decided that there was no breach of the Code of Practice. Apparently they think it’s regrettable that the distinction between the processes of removing and placing a child had not been made clearer, but they didn’t think that what the Daily Mail had printed was likely to mislead its readers. Glen was furious, but accepted the decision.

With perfect timing, this afternoon we saw the articles in today’s Daily Mail. Now they have taken offence at the fact that The Pink Guide to Adoption (published by BAAF) refers to people who are against gay adoption as “retarded homophobes”. Needless to say, they must feel alluded to. Once again, there’s an article and a commentary. And once again, the worst thing of all is the comments that their readers (you know, the ones who aren’t being misled according to the Press Complaints Commission) have left.

The article

The comment from the Daily Mail

In fairness, the words in the BAAF book are unfortunate and probably borne of frustration. But the Daily Mail’s response of referring to the BAAF as “The Adoption Nazis” surely is worse than being called a retarded homophobe?

BBC 3 Counties radio had a slot about the issue this afternoon. Simon, a gay adopter who appeared on the programme, did a very good job of providing a positive angle on the story.

Listen here (for a limited time only). The interview starts around minute 36.

Have a little patience

I emailed Miranda and mentioned the sibling group we’d spotted in one of the adoption magazines. She agreed that they “look like a possibility” but added that they are still hoping to match us with a child from the local authority and therefore we “will have to be patient a little longer”. Of course this sent us into a frenzy of trying to second guess what she means and read between lines. Is she just saying that we need to be patient because we’re still tied to them for another two months and that's all? Or is she doing some work towards a match that she can’t tell us about yet? It’s probably the former, but we can’t help wondering whether it's the latter.

House update, New Family Social, and childspotting

I know I’ve not been as prolific as usual with updates to this blog. Work is busy and the loft conversion is in full swing, which at this moment means we have no roof, no heating, and no hot water (but we’ve had an electric shower installed so no, we don’t stink or anything). Our bedroom is so cold (and has a structure smack in the middle of it propping the ceiling) that we’re sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the living room, where we can put the gas fire on. Oh, and add to it, this morning I was woken up by the dripping of a water leak from the roof. Still, we’ll have more room when it’s all done, which is the whole point. And I’m sure we’ll laugh about it when it’s all done, although at the moment living in a cold house covered in dust, sleeping on an uncomfortable mattress, and being woken up by the builders hammering on the roof is taking its toll on my sense of humour and tolerance...

Last Sunday we met S, J & C for lunch and caught up with them, and then headed over together to the New Family Social get-together. We caught up with a few people we’d met before and also met some new people, which was nice. There were some good news from a couple who are going to matching panel soon and also some shared frustrations among those waiting to be matched.

Last week we also received new issues of Children Who Wait and Be My Parent, the two main publications which feature children who are available for adoption. Be My Parent has several features this month on same-sex adoption, as well as an article on New Family Social, so it was nice to see positive features to counteract the Daily Mail articles of late (although of course the readership is quite different in type and numbers). One of the publications had details of a sibling group we could be interested in. We really shouldn’t be “childspotting” in the magazines as we’re still tied to our local authority for another two months, but we talked about it, read the details a few times, and have decided to contact Miranda anyway to see what she says.

Adoption programmes on Channel 4

Channel 4 here in the UK is doing a series of programmes within their Britain’s Forgotten Children strand. Yesterday they showed “Lost in Care”, a Dispatches special by Rageh Omaar which looked into the different situations of children in care (whether in foster care, kinship care, or in institutions). It was followed by the first of three programmes looking at couples wanting to give children a home, called “Find me a Family”. The following programmes are today (Tuesday) and tomorrow. Wednesday’s programme will be about a gay couple. If you missed “Lost in Care” it’s repeated early on Friday morning, and “Find me a Family” is repeated on More4. Or you can catch them on their online catch-up service if you are in the UK. Check the information on the link above.

Anticlimax

I’ve sort of been struggling with what to do about this blog. Just before panel it got to the point where I was doing almost daily updates with so much happening and now that we’ve been approved everything’s stopped and there isn’t a lot to report. I suppose I should continue to post my thoughts and report anything that happens to reflect the different nature of the adoption process at this stage, but it’s such an anticlimax at the moment. From all the excitement and nerves of a month ago we moved on to the congratulatory messages and celebrations and now everything’s died down and it’s strange not to have an interview scheduled, a piece of “homework” to prepare, or much at all to report.

Glen and I continue with our voluntary work at beavers and the school respectively and there are still a couple of books to read. I have been meaning to write up reviews of the books we have read so far, so I may do that soon.

It was our second wedding anniversary yesterday so we went out to dinner to celebrate. It was another of those moments when we wondered whether this time next year we’ll be celebrating the anniversary with more members in our little family!

In defence of family values

I’ve been meaning to post this picture for a while. Not long ago, I was walking down the street in my hometown in Spain when I saw this small poster stuck to an advertising display.

For the non Spanish-speaking, the poster says: “Who are these people?” “No. I want a normal family.” Then the web address of the National Alliance and their slogan “Defending the family”. The National Alliance, you might have guessed, are a fascist, racist, homophobic political party.

So yes, Spain may have same-sex marriage and allow gay adoption, but it also has a political party that actually spends money producing these images and sticking them to our walls for everyone to see. Alas we’re not their only target. In fact anyone who isn’t white, catholic, and born in Spain is a target for them. Thankfully they are a minority and as far as I know have never won any seats in any local or national elections.

Not booking trips

I've been considering a work trip for October and wasn’t sure whether to go ahead with the planning or not. I didn’t want to arrange the whole thing, book tickets and hotels and whatever else and then have to say to work “sorry I have spent all this money on this trip and I can’t go because I’m going on adoption leave”, but I also don’t want to let our lives (in and outside work) grind to a halt on the possibility that we may be matched. So I rang Miranda to ask if she thought it would be OK to book it. At the end of the day, both Miranda and the social worker who did our second opinion interview have told us repeatedly how because of being a gay couple we should be prepared for a longer wait once we were approved. Miranda’s response when I asked what she thought about booking the trip was “I wouldn’t do it”. She said that as long as we’re still considering two children then we may have a shorter wait, October is six months away, and she thought that left quite a gap in between for things to happen. I rang Glen and told him and we didn’t know how to take her reply. Is she planning something and not telling us? We found the possibility both exciting and scary! Of course if come October we’re still waiting I’ll be most unimpressed that I won’t going on this work trip.

On Friday we filled in the evaluation form we were given asking for feedback on the panel experience. We mentioned how nice most people had been and made a couple of suggestions of how we thought the experience of going to panel might be improved. We both reflected on how different our responses would have been if hadn’t been approved...

Glen spent Saturday on a Beavers training course. He’s going to become a Beaver leader! The current leader is leaving, and he’s been asked to take on the leadership.

One or two? Boys or girls?

A&O, the only couple to be approved by our local authority before us, came over for coffee yesterday and brought their lovely daughter with them. She has really grown since we last saw them at the December New Family Social event and it was the first time she’s come to our house, so she was going everywhere, being curious about everything in the house. It was such a pleasure to see her pulling out books and playing with everything she could get her hands on.

We caught up with her dads and talked about stuff we’ve all been up to. They asked us whether we were still intending to go for two children and whether we had thought some more about whether we’d prefer the boys or girls. A lot of friends have been asking about this since we were approved. We said that in principle we do still want two. Glen and I hadn’t really talked about it in depth again since panel, so we talked about it after they had gone. We know that many people start with the idea of adopting two children but then decide to start with one, see how that works, and then maybe go for the second one. I can see the point. A child who’s been in the care system requires therapeutic parenting and a lot of time and patience, so most people would agree that one at a time is more than enough. However I we like the idea of having two. Two children growing up together learn to share and to understand others’ needs. They always have someone else to interact with (be it playing or fighting) and I also like the idea of them having someone else at school who will look out for the other. Of course we could adopt one and then another, but if a child is going to have a brother or sister, it may as well be their actual sibling. There is always the possibility that if you adopt one child, their mother may have another one, but that may or may not happen and I don’t really like the idea of hoping that a mother who’s had a child removed has another one just for our benefit. I think we’ll have to play this one by ear. If the right child comes along and there’s only one, we’ll consider him or her and we’re certainly not going to turn a child down just because they haven’t got a sibling.

Regarding the question of whether we’d rather have boys or girls, we are both leaning towards boys at the moment. There’s the fact that most of our friends have boys. And we do feel that we are more familiar with being a boy. But, again, we may change our minds if the right girl comes along or if there’s a brother and a sister that would make a good match. At the end of the day, if we were birth parents we might have a preference but we wouldn’t get a choice, so we’re open to whatever gender our social worker thinks is a good match.

It’s a safe and regulated world we live in

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday was that when we were out playing with the kids at the school field, the teacher brought out their sun lotions. Each child has their own. If a child hasn’t brought their own sun cream then they are encouraged to play in the shade, but they cannot be given another child’s sun lotion, in case of allergies. Moreover, you can’t apply the cream on the kids. You spray it on their arms and legs and they have to rub it in. Then you put some in their hands for them to do their faces. All this to avoid any possible accusation of touching a child.

I don’t know whether (once / if we have a child) I think I would feel safer about my own child(ren) being “protected” this way or just sad that if my child(ren) didn’t have their own sun cream they couldn’t play in the sun like everyone else without running the risk of getting burnt... Maybe it’s a generational thing, or a cultural thing.

Catching up with our fellow adopters

We met R&A last Friday for drinks. G&S were there as well. R&S, the third couple that make up our local adopters’ group couldn’t make it as it was all decided at very short notice. It was meant to be a quick drink round theirs, but we ended up staying nearly five hours while we caught up with everyone’s stage in the process and R&A showed us pictures and video clips of their little girl. They started introductions last week and their little girl should move in permanently this Wednesday. They told us everything they could about the linking, matching, and introductions process (some of it is obviously confidential and they can’t tell us) and they showed us the nursery they’ve managed to set up and decorate in two weeks. R&A were beaming, with smiles as wide as their faces. They are really happy and everything seems to be going really well.

One thing that almost surprises me is that we are genuinely happy for them. This may sound awful, but I feared that when one of the couples in the group was matched, the other couples would be unable to avoid feeling like “why them and not us?” But that hasn’t happened at all. Of course we’ve only been approved for just over two weeks, so if we had been waiting for several months it might be different.

Today I was back at the school where I volunteer. It was a lovely, sunny and warm afternoon so we spent the whole time outside playing catch, throwing balls, painting with water... we all had a great time. I told the teachers the news that we’ve been approved and they were worried that that would mean that I wouldn’t continue volunteering, which was nice to hear, but I intend to continue until we have a match. I really enjoy it and Glen really enjoys his Beavers work as well. Today he’s been arranging stuff to do with them for St George’s day as well as a visit to a Buddhist temple (you can’t complain about diversity, can you?).

Bits and pieces

Easter was a quiet affair with some friends staying over. On Monday we met up with S&J and their son for a quick walk in a local park and ice cream. Then on Tuesday we took the day off to sort out the junk that has been gathering dust in the garage and finished clearing the loft ready for the extension work to start in a couple of weeks. We have decided that the extension won’t be for a bedroom, but for our home office. We don’t really want to be on a different floor from the other bedrooms, where the kid(s) will be, so our bedroom will remain where it is.

Miranda rang last week to ask for the dates of the loft conversion once we had them confirmed, so I emailed them to her yesterday. When she rang she mentioned that doing the conversion may mean a delay in our family finding and I wasn’t sure what she meant, so I asked her to clarify that. She replied today to explain that if our house had been a building site for a long time or the work wasn’t starting straight away, she would have had to reconsider when to start looking for a match, but since it’s starting soon and should be finished in June, it should be OK.

Yesterday R&A were introduced to their daughter-to-be. They emailed us a picture. She is a very cute little girl and we both went “aaah” when we saw her. They are clearly over the moon. We’ll be seeing them tomorrow for a quick celebratory drink before they bring her home. We are so happy for them. And it’s great to have the experience of someone you know go through the process ahead of you, as they’ll be able to tell us what it’s like when / if we get to that part.

After-panel thoughts

The letter from our local authority confirming the approval arrived by recorded post last Wednesday, exactly a year on from the first day of our preparation groups. It was really nice to see it in black and white. Although it’s felt like forever and quite a drawn out process, a year from prep groups to being approved doesn’t seem that long when you think about it. And we didn’t have to wait ages to get on the prep groups either, like other people have had to, it was only three months or so. When you compare us to the two straight couples we met at prep groups it’s not so different either. Both couples were approved last November, so it does feel like our process has taken a few months longer than theirs. But we did take a month or so to think about it after prep groups, though. And there was that break during the summer when I was working away. If we had gone to panel last February as planned it would have been more or less the same amount of time. And at the end of the day, what matters is that we are approved now.

Speaking of the couples we met at prep groups, as you may recall one of the couples, R&A, have been matched. They start their introductions in two days’ time. It’s so exciting. The other couple, S&R, came for dinner last Thursday. In contrast to R&A nothing at all has happened for them in the last five months. They’ve not even been sent one profile and they were approved at the same time as R&A by the same local authority. I guess it proves that no two couples are the same. They are getting quite frustrated about it, but there isn’t a lot they can do. We expect our wait to be quite long as well. At least we’ll know that it’s not because of being a gay couple, since other couples are also kept waiting for quite a while!

One really good thing at the moment is that we’re both feeling really positive. If you’ve been reading our story from the beginning you may recall that I used to worry that Glen was not as keen on adopting as I was. You should have seen his reaction when the letter confirming our approval arrived. He was so happy and excited. We were both expecting that after being approved we’d have an “oh my god what have we done?” panicky moment, but it hasn’t really happened. Which is not to say it won’t happen at some point... Of course we are sure that we want to do this and really looking forward to what lies ahead, but this is a life-changing process and it would be wrong not to wonder whether you really are prepared for something so major and so full of uncertainties. Like I say, so far we’re really positive, though. We’re going to be kept busy by work and the loft conversion while we wait anyway. And we should really think of making a list of everything we want to do before we’re matched with a child (or children), as we sure won’t have time to do anything after that!

Why is it so difficult to adopt a child in Britain?

Last Thursday, the day before our panel, the Times ran a feature on adoption in their Times 2 section. The front page of the supplement carried the headline "Why is it so difficult to adopt a child in Britain"?

One of the couples they mention who successfully adopted is a gay couple. I was a bit puzzled by the quote from one of the gay adopters, who says being gay may have helped their process “only because gay couples know immediately that they can't have children, so they don't waste time trying to conceive naturally - which means that they are often a better age to adopt and so come higher up the list.”

Whilst it's great that adoption by a same-sex couple is presented as a successful story and without any sensationalism, I think that the logic behind that statement is flawed: age is only one factor in the matching process and many gay people trying to adopt may be the same age as many heterosexual adopters who have "wasted time" trying to conceive (in fact one of the straight couples in our preparation groups were in their 20s). To say that being gay made getting a child easier is probably inaccurate (based on what our SW has told us, the literature on gay adoption, and on the experiences of some of the people we have talked to) and in a way negative, as it's the kind of thing that the Daily Mail and their like perceive as gay men and lesbians being given special treatment or prioritised.

The full article is here.

Approved

Miranda rang today to let us know that the decision maker has confirmed the panel’s decision and we are now approved for 1 or 2 children, ages ranging from 0 to 7th birthday. The letter should arrive soon, although with Easter around the corner it may not be until next week. I can’t wait to see it in black and white.

In the meantime, the biggest consequence of this is that we can make decisions again! We know that being approved doesn’t mean that we will be matched or that we will definitely adopt, but we are being positive and assuming that it will happen, if only for practicality’s sake. This means that we no longer have to have hypothetical discussions that start with “if we are approved...” On Friday afternoon we rang the builder to confirm we’ll be going ahead with our planned loft extension to make some room in the house. And I may actually say goodbye to my rusty 12-year old tiny car and buy something with rear doors (really, a must for strapping children in and out of car seats / booster seats)! We’ve been saving for a while for this and the bank has agreed to extend our mortgage, so hopefully we’ll be able to afford it...

We spent Sunday clearing the loft in preparation for the loft conversion. This involved me trying to convince Glen that he needed to get rid of some of the stuff he’s been hoarding for ages. He says a lot of it could be in a museum one day (anyone heard of a “Museum of 60s/70s childhood”? They could come and take it all!). I just refer to it as “tat”. I failed miserably for the most part, but we did fill three huge bags with old clothes and a few things went to the dump and on Freecycle.

We’ve had lots of phone calls, emails, and texts from family and friends. The common theme (apart from the obvious congratulations) is the same piece of advice: go out, go to the cinema, go to the theatre, go to concerts, go on a big trip (well we just came back from one) and do everything you ever meant to do, because once you have children you’ll never go out again.

The Daily Mail continue their hate campaign against gay adoption

They’re at it again:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1167209/Family-11th-hour-legal-battle-halt-brothers-adoption-gay-couple.html

The fact that they make it seem like taking away a child is a decision that is related to who will eventually look after that child would be funny if it wasn’t so serious. Their readers actually believe what these people write.

We both read the article and it just got us down. I already hated the Daily Mail. Today I hate them even more because they’ve spoilt the wonderful weekend we were having. I feel so sorry for the couple concerned. They’ve been matched with those children and this time should be exciting and memorable for them. Instead, one of the most memorable moments of their life is being ruined by this fascist “newspaper”.

Panel day

Last night Glen was uncharacteristically nervous. He’s normally the quiet one and I am the one who gets fidgety but I was really calm. I think it was to compensate for Glen’s nerves. We sat down and read some of the stuff we’d written during the home study and then prepared the questions that Miranda had suggested we might be asked. The big question was how we might explain Glen’s relationship with his dad to a child in our care. We came up with good points to make but Glen was really uncomfortable and nervous and then he told me that he was sure that we were going to be turned down and it would be his fault. He really felt that the issue with his father was going to be the one we could not overcome and felt responsible as it was on his side of the family, so to speak. I reminded him that we could explain that he (Glen) is not responsible for his father’s actions and it was not his fault. We watched some TV and went to bed late to make sure we’d be tired and not spend half the night tossing and turning trying to go to sleep.

When we woke up we opened the curtains to find a grey foggy day. We turned on the news and heard that Madonna’s adoption attempt had failed. Was it an omen? Was today a day for failed adoption dreams? We drove 40 minutes down to the place where the local authority panel meets. On the way I read out the text messages and messages from friends and the comments left on this blog. It was really sweet to feel the support from everyone, even people we’ve never met, so thank you to those who wished us good luck, it meant a lot this morning.

We arrived at the hall where panel meets just after 11. R and A, the couple we met in preparation groups who had their matching panel today were there, waiting to hear the outcome of their panel. We said a quick hello and then we were ushered to the far side of the room to give them some privacy. We saw the panel chair approach them and could see their smiles. They came over to us as soon as the chair left and told us they’ve been matched with a 9-month little girl. They were glowing with happiness. It was really sweet to hear such good news and to see such a positive outcome for them.

Miranda arrived then and looked nervous. She said that she’d been over the paperwork again last night and was feeling confident (even though she didn’t look it). The panel chair approached us, introduced herself and explained they would first start the meeting with Miranda and then she (the chair) would come to get us. They went up to the panel room at 11.15 and we sat waiting by the drinks machine. We had another look at the notes we’d prepared last night to answer the questions and tried not to get too nervous. Glen spilled his coffee three times, although thankfully he managed to avoid spilling it all over himself.

The chair came down at 12.10 to fetch us. We made our way up the stairs and entered the room. For some reason in my head I had pictured it as some sort of courtroom, but it was just a large table with lots of people sat around it. The panel members all had a sign before them with their names and their roles. They each introduced themselves in turn. There were about 10 members (chair, medical advisor, social workers, adopters acting as independent members, a guy from CAMHS, an administrator, and an observer as well as the panel advisor from our local authority and Miranda). It felt like a huge number of people, but most of them were smiling and it didn’t feel too threatening. The chair listed what they thought our strengths were and then asked us about how we’d found the assessment process and to identify the one thing that had stood out in the learning process. We spoke of how we’d found the process less intrusive than we’d expected and how contact with birth families was probably the issue that we’d have never considered before preparation groups and now understood why it needs to happen if possible. After that she asked Glen about his working pattern, and whether he’d have to spend many nights away from home. Glen replied that he hardly ever has to be away because of his job any more as it’s changed recently and many things can be done online. The next question was about our marital status. They were a bit confused by the fact that we were married in Spain and how that “translated” under UK law. Glen replied that “the marriage means nothing”, and I had to step in to explain that what he meant was that it wasn’t recognised as a marriage under UK law but it was recognised as a civil partnership. Everyone laughed at Glen’s wording. Then we were asked if we had a preference for boys or girls. We explained that most of the parents in our support network have boys and of course we feel somewhat better prepared for boys having been boys ourselves. We added that it has been pointed out to us that gay men tend to be matched with boys. The next question was about female role models. We mentioned the names of females in our support network and also made the point that our support network will include the parents of the children that any child matched with us meets at school or other activities. Finally we were asked about other gay parents we had met and whether they had encountered any bad reactions. We talked about NFS members and in particular about S&J, whom I’ve mentioned here before, and how they hadn’t experienced any problems with other kids, their parents, or the teachers at their boy’s school. While we spoke most members were nodding and smiling and we weren’t made to feel uncomfortable at all, although one of the members looked quite stern.

After about 15 minutes of questions we were asked to wait downstairs while they discussed their decision. As soon as we got downstairs we both commented on the fact that we’d not been asked about Glen’s father at all. After all the preparation we’d made for that particular question and how much it had been stressed to us that that could be the biggest hurdle for panel! We decided that either they were so clear that they weren’t going to approve us that it wasn’t worth bothering to go down that line of questioning or Miranda really had done her job at explaining the situation.

Ten minutes after we’d left the room Miranda and the chair came down. Miranda was quite poker-faced, so I did fear the worst for a moment, but the chair said “you can smile now” and then she said how pleased she was to say that we’d been unanimously approved. We were both so relieved! She told us that because of Easter it may be a while before we get the letter of approval from the decision maker (who has to write to us within five working days) but she said that the outcome was unlikely to be any different from the panel’s recommendation given that their decision had been unanimous.

Once the chair had left, Miranda told us what they’d asked about during the time she’d been defending our case. She said that among our strong points were our support network, stable relationship, very good references, and our voluntary work. She also said that they thought that Glen’s relationship with his father and brother was something that an adopted child could relate to, as is the fact that I have mild dyslexic tendencies, and my experiences of bullying at school.

We got in the car and texted everyone. The first reply came from Glen’s mum and that made us get quite emotional. All the way home we got lots of lovely texts from friends and family. I was reading them to Glen, who was driving, and my voice kept shaking as I read them out. We stopped to get something to eat and I did a quick blog update on my mobile (the wonder of mobile technologies!).

By the time we got home it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing, so it’s taken me a few hours to write this with the constant breaks to answer it. We’ve booked a table at our favourite restaurant and we’ll be having a quiet celebration just the two of us. Tomorrow we’re seeing some of our friends and we’ll have a bigger celebration. We are absolutely delighted and physically and emotionally drained. This has been a day we’ll never forget.

Yes

Panel unanimously said yes. Will write full account later when we get home. We are over the moon.

Panel tomorrow

Well panel’s tomorrow and we’ve managed to survive the week without getting too nervous. So far, so good. Tomorrow will be another story, of course. What’s weird is thinking that tomorrow is likely to be one of the most significant days of our lives whatever the outcome.

So what if it’s a “no”? We don’t really want to think about it too much as we want to be positive, but we need to consider that we may be rejected at panel. The obvious thing to do would be to contest the decision through the Independent Review Mechanism (IRM). Failing that we could go to another agency I suppose (if an agency will take you once you’ve been turned down by a panel). It would depend on what reasons we are giving to justify the decision. Like I say, we don’t want to think about it too much.

This evening we are going to go through our Prospective Adopters’ Report again and prepare a couple of questions that Miranda suggested we may get asked. And then we’re going to put it all away and watch a film or something to try to switch off and not get too worked up.

I’ll report tomorrow when we’re back. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Panel information and advice

Today we received a letter from our LA with the information about the panel members. We also had a phonecall from Miranda, who is back at work. Apparently she’ll be using a crutch for a few days (because of her knee operation) so I told her she should bring it on Friday to see if the panel take pity on her and approve us just because she’s currently “disabled”. I was joking, for the record. I mentioned that we were a little concerned when we read that the panel chair works for a Catholic adoption agency, as we fear that she may not be too keen on adoption by gay men, but Miranda says that she’s worked with her before and she thinks it won’t be an issue. She had some advice to help us for Friday and gave us a couple of questions that she thinks we may get asked and suggested we read some of the information we sent her so that it’s fresh in our minds, especially the statement Glen sent her regarding his relationship with his father. She also suggested that on Friday I let Glen answer questions first, otherwise he won’t get a word in edgeways! The cheek! ; ) She’s right of course.

Glen is feeling much better today after his visit to the dentist yesterday, so at least there’s no danger that he won’t be able to speak on Friday. It’s our anniversary today. We’ve been together for 13 years. We’re not really in the mood to celebrate anything until we know the outcome of Friday’s panel and last year we decided to celebrate our wedding anniversary (which is in May) instead, so we’re not doing anything special.

Memory lane down the adoption race

At the weekend I was going through some of the adoption paperwork and I found a letter from PACT (Parents and Children Together), whom we first contacted when we thought it might be possible to go down the inter-country adoption route (before we found out how expensive it is and how many countries don’t allow adoption by gay men). The letter was dated June 2005. It brought me back to the time we approached our local council in 2003 and were advised to wait until the Children and Adoption Act came in, and even before that, to the time in 2001 when we decided we would probably want to adopt but a bit later on. It made me realise just how long we’ve been thinking about it and even doing something about the adoption. And now we’re 4 days away from finding out whether we’ll be approved.

I find that one way to explain this process to people who aren’t familiar with it is to compare it to a race. First you need to decide that running is for you and you want to do it. Then you have to get accepted to a training programme and you do your training, which would be the equivalent to doing the home study. Panel is the qualifier, where you find out whether you’ll be running the race at all. And from then on you’re running a race where you don’t know how long the distance is or whether you’ll even make it to the end, which would be actually adopting. Of course, anyone who has children (adopted or not) will tell you that the race really starts once the children arrive, not before, and that the real challenge starts then. I would have to agree, so that’ll be the marathon, in for the long run. But if you don’t want to be overwhelmed by the enormity of the whole thing it’s easier to see each part of the process separately, so I’m sticking to my metaphor.

So anyway, I’ve written the entire preceding paragraph just so that it makes sense when I say that we feel we’ve done all the necessary training and we’re ready to run. The day approaches and I’m getting a bit nervous. Glen is fantastically calm, but that may be because he went to the dentist today and had to have his gums opened, so he’s practically sedated with all the painkillers he’s taking!

Help a good cause while you shop!

Do you shop with Amazon? The link below takes you to the UK site for Amazon as usual, but every purchase benefits New Family Social, the organisation we belong to that helps same-sex adopters. They get between 5%-10% of the item price of anything you purchase, including books, DVDs and music downloads.

http://www.amazon-nfs-shop.co.uk

So please add this link to your favourites and every time you buy something in Amazon, you'll be helping a good cause without any cost to you.

To read more about New Family Social you can go to

http://www.newfamilysocial.co.uk

Good news for our fellow prospective adopters

Yesterday we had dinner with our small local prospective adopters’ group (two mixed-sex couples: R&A, one of the couples we met at prep groups, and G&S, two friends who started their adoption process a few months before we did). Both couples had good news to share: G&S have identified two sets of children that they are interested in and their social worker agrees that they would be a good match, so she is going to get in touch with their respective social workers to arrange visits if possible. There is even better news for R&A, who were approved after their panel was undecided and were left hanging around for about three weeks before the decision maker finally said yes: they are going to matching panel next week! We are so excited for them. They will actually go to panel just before us, so we will probably see them on the day. All this talk of panel started to make us a bit nervous about it, though.

Today Glen is on an all-day first aid course with the scouts. It’s part of his beavers training. He’s been doing a few courses and continues to go every week. He’s really getting involved and enjoying it.

Today we’ve received the letter from our local authority confirming the time of our panel, giving us directions, and asking us to reply confirming that we would like to attend the panel. We were under the impression that we would get a list of the panel members and we haven’t, though. We may ask about that, as it would be good to know who we will be facing.

One week to go

We finally caught up with our friends whom Miranda chose to visit at the last minute. They were asked pretty much the same sort of questions as the rest of our referees (how long they’ve known us, what they thought when we told them we wanted to adopt, how we interact with their children, they feel about their children mixing with adopted children...). They said she was really nice and talked about us in a very positive way, so that was a relief.

I also had a very nice email from a friend who came over to visit us recently. We hadn’t seen them in a while and hadn’t got round to telling them about our adoption plans, so we told them when they came for lunch with their 2 year-old. She emailed to say how pleased they were for us and told me that, before we actually told them, her husband had asked her if she knew whether we had any plans to adopt. Apparently he thought we were very good with their son! I know it’s silly, but it’s nice that people think that we’d make good parents. If only they were part of the panel!

Speaking of panel, we still haven’t received the letter we were supposed to get confirming the date and giving us the actual time, directions etc. And there’s only one week to go! So I rang our local authority this morning and they’ve given us the time over the phone and told us that the letter should arrive early next week. Apparently your social worker normally phones you to let you know the time, but of course as Miranda is on sick leave at the moment nobody did. She was expecting to go back to work on Monday but they told me today it may be a little longer. As long as she’s there next Friday for our panel!

The wisdom of Mma Ramotswe / sexism in adoption.

While I was on holiday I caught up with a few books I’d been meaning to read for a while. One of them was The Miracle at Speedy Motors, the 9th volume in the Number 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall-Smith. The main character, Mma Ramotswe, adopted two orphans, and in one chapter the boy she adopted is struggling with his identity and with the fact that he is adopted. After reassuring him, she realises that she has now come to the point where she considers herself his mother and thinks: “We could all be a mother, all of us; even a man could be a mother.”

I just liked the line when I read it and thought I’d share it. Even though the line itself is not about gay adoption, the implication of saying that a man could be a mother is that a man can do just as good a job as a woman in raising children. I have discussed before how many people’s prejudices about gay men adopting are not necessarily about the gay bit (although there are plenty who have a problem with that), but about men in general adopting. I have personally never encountered among my friends and acquaintances anyone who has expressed any reservations about us adopting because of being gay (at least to our faces), but on a couple of occasions people have expressed quite sexist opinions (“a child needs a mum”). I think this is one of those areas where same-sex adoption differs for gay men and lesbians: being raised without a father is acceptable (plenty of single mothers out there to prove the point), but being raised without a mother is perceived as unfair on the children, or at least putting them at a disadvantage.

Newsround... and reality check

The Home Office in Morocco has decided to threaten those publications in the press who defend homosexuality or portray it in a positive light after the magazine Al Michaal published a story about an unofficial gay wedding. Needless to say, homosexuality is criminalised in Morocco. Maybe the Daily Mail should be published there? It’s not like they’re ever going to be accused of portraying homosexuality in a positive light...

The good news is that Venezuela is to legalise gay unions as “asociaciones de convivencia” (cohabitation associations) in a law of gender equality to be passed soon, although there is no word on gay adoption, though.

I think sometimes when some of us have a moan in the New Family Social or Adoption UK forums about a slow adoption process, or encounter homophobia from social workers or authorities we forget just how privileged we are to live in enlightened places where gay adoption is allowed at all. No matter how much we know that we can make good parents and offer a child a loving home, there are many places in the world where that is not an option, and we should count our blessings (even though the system is not perfect).

Dinner with adopters and goodbye to one of "my" schoolchildren

Last Saturday S&J, the gay couple who live near us and we met at the New Family Social meeting in December (I mentioned them in a previous post), came over for dinner with their 6-year-old son. We had a great time and their son was very well behaved, curious, chatty, polite, and also a bit cheeky. They are a real inspiration to us and have clearly worked very hard to get to where they are with their son. They remind us that this thing we want to do is possible, which sometimes we need to be reminded about.

Today I went back to volunteering at the school after a few weeks away. The kids welcomed me as if I’d been missing for ages, and we had a great time making origami models. One of the boys is leaving the country soon and today was his last day at school, so it was a bit sad as well. It’s funny how attached I’ve got to the kids after 10 months or so. The group I see most is the top class, which means that they won’t be around for the next school year as they leave to go to “proper” school, and I will really miss them. I wish I could post a picture of them for everyone to see. Put together they look like a 90s Benetton advert, as each of them is a different colour, and they are the cutest bunch you could ever meet. If only I could get them to pronounce my name properly...

Back from holiday

We’re back from our holiday. We had a lovely time off and managed to relax and switch off for a whole two weeks, which doesn’t happen often! Well, we did talk about the adoption a few times, and even wondered if this may have been our last holiday on our own for many years to come.

We were supposed to receive the report from the second opinion interview before we left but it never arrived on time, so we had to find an internet cafe while we were away, which we eventually did 4 days into our holiday. The report was quite positive overall, although once again it mentioned Glen’s relationship with his dad. We just don’t know any more if this will turn out to be nothing at all or our stumbling block, but as there is nothing more we can do about it, we’ll just have to wait and see. If there are any questions about it at panel we will try to explain as best as we can.

I mentioned before we went away that Miranda had decided to do one more reference interview with a friend of ours. She realised that all the interviews she’d done were with people who do not live in the same place as we do, so she arranged this one with a friend who lives really close by. I had a text from our friend while we were away saying that the interview went well, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to her yet.

We also had an email from Miranda to say that she is having the operation she’d delayed so she could complete our report, so she is actually on sick leave right now and won’t be back to work until 3 days before panel. Hopefully all will be well, she’ll recover in time, and there won’t be any further delays to our panel date!

Second opinion interview

Miranda and the second opinion social worker came over and did the second opinion interview. This other social worker was actually one of the two who did our initial interview back in January last year, but we hadn’t seen her since then. She was funny, warm, positive, caring and very clear. She asked us some questions starting with Glen’s relationship with his father, which we had to explain for the umpteenth time, and then asked about the number and gender of children we are hoping for. She talked about the uncertainties that surround many of the children in the care system. We also discussed prejudices, the process in general, and contact. They were the kinds of questions that she expects panel may ask us. Both she and Miranda seem quite positive about us being approved, but she said that if we do get approved then we should get ready for a long wait given that in social workers’ minds gay couples are near the bottom of the pecking order after heterosexual couples and single women.

The interview lasted just over an hour and a quarter and after they had gone we felt completely exhausted and unsure about how to feel about the end of the assessment process. It feels like it’s suddenly all very real and for the first time we’re allowing ourselves to believe that we may actually get approved. I think we’ve been refusing to get our hopes up expecting a hurdle that we wouldn’t be able to overcome. And now the assessment process is over and all that’s left is to see whether panel agree with the local authority assessment.

It’s a month until we go to panel and the work is done, so all we can do is wait. In the meantime we’re going on holiday for two weeks, so I don’t think there’ll be any updates in that time. We’re completely exhausted and really looking forward to going away. When we were planning it we kept thinking this may be our last major holiday before we adopt, but given the comment we heard today about getting ready to wait a long time, it may not be so. In any case we’re going to switch off from the whole process and enjoy our time off together.

Prospective Adopter’s Report (Formerly Form F)

Miranda popped round to drop off the final version of the report on Friday afternoon. For some reason we’ve avoided looking at it almost all weekend. We’ve been really busy and we wanted to be in the right frame of mind to read it. Finally we read it this evening. It’s a whopping 72 pages (46 for the main report and the rest are appendices and additional forms) so it took us around 90 minutes each to read it. There are a couple of spelling and minor errors with names and ages and stuff like that, but it’s all there. I am actually quite amazed at how well Miranda has got to know us in the last few months over the course of one individual interview each and seven joint interviews. Her comments are quite accurate and her reflections very encouraging.

On Friday she also lent us a children’s book on dealing with racism to read. Apparently it will help us deal with homophobic bullying. She has also lent us the BAAF guide to “recruiting, assessing and supporting lesbian and gay carers and adopters”. I’ve only read a quarter of it so far, but it looks like it will be a very useful book to read. If nothing else, at least to get an idea of what training panel members and social workers may have had to deal with same-sex couples.

Also on Friday we finally decided to go ahead with a loft conversion we’ve been planning for a while. Our house isn’t terribly big, so it will give us more options regarding being matched with more than one child. And if we don’t get approved or matched we’ll have lots of spare room in the house!

Tomorrow (well, later today, actually given the time of writing) we have our second opinion interview. Miranda said it should only take one to one and a half hours. And after that if all goes well we should be ready for panel in April. Fingers crossed.

The final interview (really final this time)

Miranda came just before 4 and she was here for 3 hours. She had some “leftover” questions for the prospective adopters’ report and also some questions that the panel advisor at our local authority had asked. Some of these were once again about Glen’s father and about how we would address any bullying that our child(ren) may experience because of having gay parents. After answering all the questions she did a little exercise of asking us to write on separate pieces of paper how we imagined a moment on any given day after having adopted. How many children, ages, sex, type of activity we’d be doing... Our answers were quite similar, so I guess that’s good. Then she gave us a copy of the report each and we sat there reading it under her watchful eye. This was a bit unnerving as it felt like a timed reading comprehension exercise! We only had small comments to make regarding spellings and dates, and some phrasing. The second opinion interview has had to be moved to next Monday because it turns out that the social worker who will be doing it is not available on Wednesday after all. Miranda will send the full report once she has input the answers to all the questions we answered today and we will get a chance to read it all again and add our comments. She is hoping to do this by Friday at the latest. Then all that will be left will be to read the second opinion report, which the second social worker will send the day after she visits us.

We were completely exhausted by the time she left. But Miranda has written what we both feel is an accurate and positive report and we were happy with it. And she’s postponed the date for an operation because she didn’t want to be responsible for us having to delay panel date again! This surprised us and it’s incredibly nice of her. While she’s still not the warmest of people, I do think that she has got to know us quite well in the last few months and is clearly on our side, so hopefully she will convey that to the panel and get us approved.

Another referee interview and no report yet

One of the people we put down as a referee got a call from Miranda on Thursday evening to arrange an interview. We are quite surprised by this as all the other referee interviews were done in early December, so we don’t know whether Miranda just forgot to do this one, or whilst putting the report together she has decided that she needs more evidence of support. We can’t decide whether this is a good thing (she is being very thorough and covering all bases) or not-so-good (she thinks we may fail panel and is doing some last-minute salvaging).

We had hoped that we’d get to see the report before we have our final interview with Miranda, but nothing arrived in the post yesterday, so we’re guessing it won’t happen and we’ll have to read it in front of her.

Yesterday we spent the whole day with two good friends of ours and their two boys. We played with the kids and had a great time, and just before we left the kids spontaneously came over, said “thank you for coming to visit us and playing with us”, and gave us a kiss. They are so sweet.

Final interview dates

I’ve been back in the UK for a week, but we took a few days off straight after I got back from Spain and I’ve not been on my PC for five whole days. It was nice to be off together, even if it was in the UK and in cold weather. There were kids off on half-term everywhere, and all of the places we visited had activities for kids, which made us realise that we could have done pretty much the same stuff we’ve done if we had kids with us.

Speaking of doing things with kids, Glen went to the local fire station with the Beavers last week. Yes, I asked and no, there were no cute firemen in uniform.

Miranda rang once more to ask Glen some questions about his family tree and we’ve now got dates for our final interview with her to go through her report: Monday afternoon! She was hoping to post it so we could read it beforehand, but if not we will have to read it and comment on the spot, which I’m not so keen on as I’d prefer to have time to digest the report. It may arrive tomorrow or Monday Morning, but based on past performance we’re thinking it won’t. Then on Wednesday we will have our second opinion interview with another social worker from the local authority. And then... that’ll be it! Panel next. It’s very exciting.

Uncle Fernando

I’ve been in Spain for the last 5 days and making the most of being with the family and spending some time with my nephew and nieces almost every day. On Wednesday I picked up my 7 year-old nephew after his basketball practice. He was very upset as he couldn’t find his basketball and thought that someone had stolen it. We looked for it and sure enough found it straight away further along the playing area. He was really pleased and it was a pleasure seeing him go from tears to smile in such a short time. I took him to my brother’s and made him a snack and then we played on the Wii. Needless to say, he’s much better than me… Then my sister-in-law arrived with my nieces and I helped get them showered, dried and into pyjamas. I never knew getting three children (one after another, not all at the same time) to stand still-ish while you blow-dry their hair involved so much negotiation! We then had dinner together and I went back to my parents’. I really enjoy spending time with the kids and getting the little bits of practice I do, even if I know that if we adopt there won’t be any uncle in the UK to help us out and no returning the kids to their parents after a few hours!

Non-panel date

In my last post I completely forgot to write about last Friday. We have known since mid-January that it wasn’t going to be the case any more, but last Friday (February 6th) was the original panel date we had been given. We were both a bit disappointed on the Thursday evening as the following day was a date that we had been looking forward to and it was marked on our calendar. Also, a couple of friends that we’d forgotten to tell that the panel wasn’t to happen got in touch to wish us good luck, so we had to tell them that it was delayed and so on. But then on Friday when we got up we saw all the snow that had fallen overnight and realised that we couldn’t even drive out of our street let alone the 30 or so miles to where the panel meets. I’m fairly sure that the panel didn’t meet as most people could not get to work in our area. So it really worked out well that we had three weeks to get used to the idea that panel was not happening on that day as opposed to looking forward to it, doing all the last-minute preparation and coping with the nerves only to find on the actual day that we could not make it due to the weather!

How Spanish is our household and my Spanish CRB check

We sent the replies to Miranda’s questions last Friday. She was happy with those but later rang and asked a couple more questions. In her defence she warned us from the beginning that because it’s the first time that she fills in this new form that replaced Form F1, she may have lots of little bits to ask as she goes through the form. We’re not complaining as it means she’s obviously been catching up with our report, which is great.

The questions this time were about how Spanish our household is. We told her that we don’t speak Spanish in the house (well obviously I speak Spanish, but we don’t speak it among ourselves. Glen has done a few courses and gets by OK, but is not fluent), but we do have some traditions such as celebrating Epiphany and my saint’s day (Saint Fernando is on May 30th but there is no Saint Glen – although he claims that he IS Saint Glen for putting up with me but that’s another story). We also mentioned that we cook Spanish food often and I sometimes watch Spanish TV on Sky and listen to Spanish music. Now, I’m not sure if this means that we get “bonus points” if there are any Spanish children to be matched out there, or that we are excluded from any children that do not match our origins (I was going to write “ethnic origin” but it seems a bit silly considering that I am European white, just like any Brit - in fact Glen looks more Mediterranean than I do!). I sincerely hope that our varied background opens doors rather than close them.

Anyway, I’m back in Spain for a few days and yesterday I managed to sort out my Spanish Criminal Record. Glad to report it’s all clear. It was surprisingly painless. Well, painless in the context of Spanish bureaucracy anyway: it did involve queuing to get the form, filling it in, going to a bank to pay €3.47 as they cannot accept any payments at the office, getting the form stamped to prove that I had indeed paid my €3.47, going back, queuing again and getting the form stamped and signed by someone else. Like I say, quite straightforward for Spanish bureaucracy, it only took a morning and that’s good.

The good thing about being in Spain is that I get to see my family, including my nephew and nieces, so I’ve been spending some time with them. Tomorrow I’m babysitting my nephew, so that’ll be fun.

Progress

Miranda rang yesterday. It turns out that she needs a Spanish CRB check for me, which she hadn’t mentioned until now. Considering that a few weeks ago we were supposed to be going to panel tomorrow, it seems quite an oversight, but maybe they don’t assess that many foreigners at our local authority. She gave me some instructions that she’s looked up on the Criminal Bureau Records website, and I’ve been in touch with the Spanish consulate to find out more. As it happens I will be in Spain next week, so I hope to be able to get it while I’m there. Also, their medical adviser has returned our medical reports and they are fine. Well, fine-ish. There aren’t any major issues, but Glen’s body mass index is over 30, so they have suggested that he loses some weight. Glen is not impressed, but has promised to do something about it.

Miranda also said that she had some more questions for us, but given the weather conditions she would just email them over rather than come over. They deal once again with Glen’s mum and dad, and there are some follow-up questions on the personalities of the children we might want to be matched with. She also asks about whether we’ve even been bullied because of our sexuality, and how we would deal with any bullying that a child matched with us might suffer because of having gay dads. I wonder if the latter has been prompted by recent media coverage of gay adoption...

In any case, we have set up a meeting in just under three weeks to discuss our home study report (so we assume we’ll receive it before then). It looks like things are moving on again!

The Daily Mail campaign against gay adoption continues

Sadly, the Daily Mail continues its hate campaign. On Friday they published an attack on the social worker who’s been dealing with the gay adoption case in Scotland. They claim that the social worker threatened the family with refusing contact.

Link to Daily Mail story about the social worker

It would almost be funny if it wasn’t so sad that – whilst defending a heroin addict – they see fit to mention that the social worker has two children by different fathers. But it didn’t end there. Their columnist Peter Hitchens wrote the following piece in his column about how we “gays” have been shown tolerance and we respond with tyranny. Seriously unhinged stuff here.

Link to the Peter Hitchens column

And to top it all, an anonymous millionaire and the Church of Scotland have decided to support the grandparents in a legal battle against the adoption.

Link to article about millionaire support

Thankfully The Independent showed a more balanced view of the issue, even though they decided to turn the issue of how the Daily Mail had reported the story into a left / right politics issue, which I don’t think was the right angle for the story but makes much nicer reading than anything the Daily Mail has published.

Link to The Independent story

The whole thing has been incredible. Over at the New Family Social online discussion it has generated a wave of emails like nothing I have ever seen before. It’s weird, because Glen and I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions which is very similar to what other members describe. After the initial outrage, there’s been sadness about the case and the consequences it may have for the couple involved (and the children, of course) and also our own situations. People have reported a shift in attitude among co-workers and other people they know. I experienced something similar when I told a colleague of mine and she responded saying that it was normal for people to react like that. I also sent an email about the story to a friend who is a Daily Mail reader and she hasn’t even acknowledged it. After the sadness, though, there’s been some feeling of “what are we doing?”, “could this happen to us too if we are matched?” and even some doubts about whether what we are doing is right for the children. I must acknowledge here the beautiful message that one of the NFS members left reassuring everyone that we are doing the right thing, and highlighting her very positive experience as an adopter. And she is absolutely right, of course. Like I said in a message to the NFS board, in a way the issue of gay adoption and the effect that being adopted by a same-sex couple may have on children is similar to children from different ethnic origin or nationality who grow up in, say, a predominantly white environment. They may get bullied or suffer some sort of discrimination because of it, but it doesn't make them or their parents "guilty" of being from a different ethnic origin or nationality. No, it makes those parents and children part of the variety of that community. Just like those parents will need to prepare their children for the fact that some people out there will dislike them for what they are, we will need to prepare our children
for the fact that some people (Daily Mail readers, it turns out) will
disapprove of their parents (not them).

Anyway, we also heard from Miranda on Friday. She said she’d been working on our report and she’ll be in touch this week. So here’s hoping we have some positive news to report soon!

Daily Mail articles on gay adoption

Nothing like writing that there wasn’t much to report yesterday for all hell to break loose regarding gay adoption. Yesterday, the Daily Mail (for anyone outside the UK it’s a very conservative paper that disguises itself as “family oriented”) published a story (in inimitable style) about how the parents of a heroin addict have not been allowed to adopt their grandchildren and instead they’ve been matched with a gay couple:

Link to the Daily Mail story

Needless to say, the reporting is completely one-sided and of course misses out on why the grandparents haven’t been allowed to adopt, for which I am sure there are very good reasons.

Today it was followed up by this piece:

Link to the Daily Mail follow-up story

In both cases, the worst thing are the comments left by Daily Mail readers, many of whom start their comments with “I’m not a homophobe BUT...” and proceed to leave completely homophobic comments.

The Pink Paper also reported the story today, alas with an altogether different slant:

Link to the Pink Paper report on the same story

And Stonewall have issued a response expressing their deep concern about how the Daily Mail has reported the issue.

Link to Stonewall response

I actually had tears in my eyes when I read the Daily Mail piece. Just when you think that you live in a world that may accept you, it’s heartbreaking to find such homophobia and bigotry.

Nothing to report

I know it’s been over a week since my last post, but NOTHING’s happened since I last wrote. We had hoped that Miranda would have got back to us by now with dates when we can expect the home study report and for the second opinion interview (after all, it was all supposed to happen last week), but we’ve heard nothing from her. We don’t want to push her so we are waiting as patiently as we can.

In the meantime we are continuing with our volunteering. I was at the school on Monday. The topic of the week has moved on from “hearing” to “taste”, so we spent the afternoon talking about favourite foods, drawing them, and spelling them. We also played outside with huge wood building blocks, which was a lot of fun for the kids (OK, maybe me too). Glen’s still going to Beavers. This week they are doing electricity, so he’s bought some circuits, batteries and lightbulbs to make a demonstration. I wish I could be there to see it.

We’re also continuing with our reading. Glen’s reading “The Primal Wound” and I am reading “Building the Bonds of Attachment: awakening love in deeply troubled children”. I am planning to start a book review section for this blog so I won’t go on about them now, but suffice to say that they don’t make easy reading...

Hope to have some news to report soon!

A lovely visit

Today was the day we were supposed to finalise our home study. We had an email from Miranda apologising again for the delay, and thanking us for some information updates we sent her, but still no date for our rescheduled interviews.

I went to the school today for the first time since late December (the past couple of weeks I could not take the time off) and had a great time playing with the kids. I was with the 5 year olds today and they were learning about hearing (the theme for this term is the five senses), so we played games that included recognising different sounds.

At the weekend we met up with S&J, two guys we met at the New Family Social who adopted a boy last year and live near us. They invited us round for coffee and we chatted about the adoption process and everything they went through. Their son is a very sociable chatty boy who was very happy to talk to us, show us his toys and even the book that S&J had made for him just before they were introduced. We went to their local pub for lunch and chatted some more. They must have answered a thousand questions for us. They've not had any issues at school (with the other kids or their parents) with their son having two dads, which is something that has always worried us. Their son has really settled with them now and it's a pleasure to see them together as they make a great family. After such a disappointing start to the weekend last Friday, it was great to spend the afternoon with them.

Delayed panel date

Yesterday was the deadline for Miranda to get our home study report to us and to the other social worker who will be doing the second opinion interview. She rang me at work at lunchtime to tell me that she hadn’t finished it partly because of a problem with her PC and the report template. She’s also been really busy with an assignment for a course she is taking. This means that they won’t be coming on Monday to finalise the home study and we won’t be going to panel in February. She apologised three times and once again offered to go to panel without us in March, but we really think that we should be there, so that means that we’re now looking at April.

In a way it is good that the report won’t be rushed. In fact Miranda said that another reason she thought it best to take time with the report was the fact that she still thinks there is an issue with Glen’s father (again!) and she wants to make sure she is happy with how that is explained in the report.

Glen is not surprised as he never thought that everything would get done on time, but I had actually got my hopes up. It was nice to think that we could get the approval process out of the way and start the family finding, especially knowing that it will take months - if not years – to be matched (if at all). So while we realise that in the big scheme of things in this process this is not a huge setback, we are really disappointed.

Happy news

We had some very good news yesterday. M&J, two guys we met at the June New Family Social meeting and who were approved last July, have been matched with a 17-month old boy. And it’s only taken 6 months from being approved to being matched, which I think is really fast! They are clearly very happy and we wish them the best of luck with introductions and the start of their new family. It’s really inspiring, encouraging, and uplifting to hear when other couples are successful with their hopes to adopt.

A date for the second opinion interview

Miranda rang earlier today. She and her colleague, who will be doing the second opinion interview, will come on the 19th. The plan is for Miranda to send us our home study report next Friday so we can read it over the weekend and feed back to her when they come to do the second opinion visit on Monday. Her colleague will then write her report on Monday evening or Tuesday morning so that it’s all ready. One possible delay could be that once the report is finished and before it goes to the panel members it has to be read by Miranda’s supervisor. If she has any requests for major changes or wants further evidence of anything then it probably won’t be done in time for us to go to panel in February. It all feels a bit rushed and we hope that doesn’t have a negative effect on the outcome, but after so many months it’s very exciting that the home study is finally coming to an end and we could be going to panel in a month’s time!

Panel delay?

Miranda emailed me on Monday evening to request that I send her again one of our documents, which she couldn’t find. I sent it to her yesterday with a little reminder that we were supposed to finalise the home study this week with the second opinion visit by another of the social workers from the local authority. We had told her that this could not be done next week as Glen will be away on a work trip. She rang me a bit later to tell me that she had planned to have our report ready next week and arrange the second opinion visit for then as well as she had forgotten that Glen was away. The deadline to submit the documentation so that it’s on time for February panel is next Friday so unless something changes it looks like we may miss it. Miranda knows we can’t make the next available date as we are not available during the day in March when the panel meets so she’s going to find out whether it is possible to delay things slightly so we can still get in. She mentioned that she could always go to panel without us in March. I said that we’d prefer to be there and go in April if we have to rather than not be there. It’s important to us to be able to make our case or answer any questions that may arise, and for panel to see us to avoid any preconceptions they may have about us. So either she rushes the paperwork, which isn’t great, or we have to wait a further two months, which we’d rather not.

Happy new year!

Back in the UK now. I know it didn’t snow here but at home we had a white boxing day. My two nieces who live in the Canary Islands had never seen snow falling before, so they were very excited. They made a snowman and had their first snowball fight! It was lovely to experience their joy first hand.

Anyhow, that was 2008 and 2009 is just around the corner. What it’ll bring nobody knows. But to all of those who have high hopes, here’s to a fantastic new year full of good news.

Christmas broodiness

I really try to be objective about this entire process, never to get my hopes up too much to avoid disappointment. But today, as my nieces and nephew opened presents and I helped put pieces together and played with them, I couldn’t help feeling a little bit sad and hoping that someday in the not too distance future Glen and I have our own kid(s) staring open-mouthed and wide-eyed at a room full of nicely-wrapped presents, opening them with excitement, and showing them to you as you pretend that you didn’t know what was under the tree.

Not so keen on the ensuing fight later about who got to play with what and whether one of them had really stepped on one of the toys on purpose, and who had last had the piece that was missing blah blah blah, but I’m glossing over that bit for today : )

Christmas in Spain

I’ve been in Spain with my family for the last five days now. I have a bad cold at the moment so rather than playing with my nephew and nieces as I usually do, I’m actually trying not to get too physically close to avoid passing too many germs on. Not that they care when it’s the other way around, they’re always happy to cough or sneeze on me!

Last night all my nieces stayed over at my parents’, where I am also staying. First we had to get them all arranged on the different beds. Then one of them decided at the last minute that she didn’t actually want to stay any longer and wanted mummy to pick her up, but mummy had gone out to dinner and I had to explain and dry some tears. Then this morning I was woken up by my youngest niece at 5.30. She’d wet the bed so she needed changing. Then the 8 year-old and her sister decided to have a fight. I love being an uncle and can’t wait to be a dad. And I actually say this with only the slightest hint of sarcasm: I do love it and I can’t wait.

We’re getting ready for dinner tonight. Here in Spain the big celebration tends to be dinner on Christmas eve. We’ll exchange gifts among the adults and then leave the presents for the kids to find tomorrow morning. We used to do presents on January 6th, which is when most Spanish kids get their presents (traditionally it’s the three wise men who bring presents, not Father Christmas) but since the kids are back at school on January 8th or 9th, there wasn’t a lot of time to play with the new toys. Many families in Spain now do this. In fact many Spanish kids get presents both on Christmas day and epiphany!

As usual, Glen has stayed back in the UK to spend Christmas with his family. This time last year I wrote (rather naively) about the possibility of it being our last Christmas without kids. This year there’s a bigger chance should we get approved in February, but of course it may not happen or we may still be waiting for a match, which is the most likely scenario. Still, without getting my hopes up too much, it’s “fun” to imagine what Christmas would be like. We may not be able to leave the country with the kids for starters, so who knows if we’d manage to get together somehow. Then there’s the issue of getting the kids together and how they’d get on (or in what language they’d communicate for that matter). And having to clarify that there are no crackers, silly hats, even sillier jokes, turkey, or mince pies in Spain, but you get to eat turrón and seafood…

The Christmas tree just toppled over. Tinsel and decorations everywhere. Must go. Have a happy Christmas everyone.