Meeting more gay prospective adopters

As I have mentioned here before, we have made an effort to meet gay adopters in our area. We met the only couple who were approved by our local authority before us a few months ago, and we’ve also got to know S&J, another local couple who adopted last year. A few weeks ago we were approached by another local couple and after a few failed attempts to meet, they finally came over for pizza last night. Before they arrived (while we tried desperately to make the house look half decent in the middle of all the construction going on) I was thinking about how a few months ago we were the ones getting in touch with people who were ahead of us in the process to share experiences and ask questions and now we are being contacted by people who aren’t yet approved. They are in the middle of their home study and having some issues with their social worker (like most people seem to...). We talked about many of the issues that I’ve discussed here: the process, social workers, ages, boys or girls, support... They are nearly 10 years younger than us. I was quite surprised and in a way quite envious that they are embarking on their adoption process at that age. I wish we had been able to. But of course 10 years ago it wasn’t legally possible and in our minds it was no more than a “wouldn’t it be nice if...”.

Anyhow, we are very keen on setting up a support network of gay adopters around us, and it’s always nice to meet like-minded people so it was very nice to get to know another gay couple on the adoption boat. In a way it’s all a bit forced, isn’t it? Just because we are gay and want to adopt doesn’t mean that we’ll have much more in common, but so far we have got on well with the other couples we have met. J and his son (S couldn’t make it) were supposed to join us last night but the little one got into trouble at school and it was early bed for him. We’ve got this to look forward to... : )

Catching up with our fellow adopters

We met R&A last Friday for drinks. G&S were there as well. R&S, the third couple that make up our local adopters’ group couldn’t make it as it was all decided at very short notice. It was meant to be a quick drink round theirs, but we ended up staying nearly five hours while we caught up with everyone’s stage in the process and R&A showed us pictures and video clips of their little girl. They started introductions last week and their little girl should move in permanently this Wednesday. They told us everything they could about the linking, matching, and introductions process (some of it is obviously confidential and they can’t tell us) and they showed us the nursery they’ve managed to set up and decorate in two weeks. R&A were beaming, with smiles as wide as their faces. They are really happy and everything seems to be going really well.

One thing that almost surprises me is that we are genuinely happy for them. This may sound awful, but I feared that when one of the couples in the group was matched, the other couples would be unable to avoid feeling like “why them and not us?” But that hasn’t happened at all. Of course we’ve only been approved for just over two weeks, so if we had been waiting for several months it might be different.

Today I was back at the school where I volunteer. It was a lovely, sunny and warm afternoon so we spent the whole time outside playing catch, throwing balls, painting with water... we all had a great time. I told the teachers the news that we’ve been approved and they were worried that that would mean that I wouldn’t continue volunteering, which was nice to hear, but I intend to continue until we have a match. I really enjoy it and Glen really enjoys his Beavers work as well. Today he’s been arranging stuff to do with them for St George’s day as well as a visit to a Buddhist temple (you can’t complain about diversity, can you?).

Bits and pieces

Easter was a quiet affair with some friends staying over. On Monday we met up with S&J and their son for a quick walk in a local park and ice cream. Then on Tuesday we took the day off to sort out the junk that has been gathering dust in the garage and finished clearing the loft ready for the extension work to start in a couple of weeks. We have decided that the extension won’t be for a bedroom, but for our home office. We don’t really want to be on a different floor from the other bedrooms, where the kid(s) will be, so our bedroom will remain where it is.

Miranda rang last week to ask for the dates of the loft conversion once we had them confirmed, so I emailed them to her yesterday. When she rang she mentioned that doing the conversion may mean a delay in our family finding and I wasn’t sure what she meant, so I asked her to clarify that. She replied today to explain that if our house had been a building site for a long time or the work wasn’t starting straight away, she would have had to reconsider when to start looking for a match, but since it’s starting soon and should be finished in June, it should be OK.

Yesterday R&A were introduced to their daughter-to-be. They emailed us a picture. She is a very cute little girl and we both went “aaah” when we saw her. They are clearly over the moon. We’ll be seeing them tomorrow for a quick celebratory drink before they bring her home. We are so happy for them. And it’s great to have the experience of someone you know go through the process ahead of you, as they’ll be able to tell us what it’s like when / if we get to that part.

After-panel thoughts

The letter from our local authority confirming the approval arrived by recorded post last Wednesday, exactly a year on from the first day of our preparation groups. It was really nice to see it in black and white. Although it’s felt like forever and quite a drawn out process, a year from prep groups to being approved doesn’t seem that long when you think about it. And we didn’t have to wait ages to get on the prep groups either, like other people have had to, it was only three months or so. When you compare us to the two straight couples we met at prep groups it’s not so different either. Both couples were approved last November, so it does feel like our process has taken a few months longer than theirs. But we did take a month or so to think about it after prep groups, though. And there was that break during the summer when I was working away. If we had gone to panel last February as planned it would have been more or less the same amount of time. And at the end of the day, what matters is that we are approved now.

Speaking of the couples we met at prep groups, as you may recall one of the couples, R&A, have been matched. They start their introductions in two days’ time. It’s so exciting. The other couple, S&R, came for dinner last Thursday. In contrast to R&A nothing at all has happened for them in the last five months. They’ve not even been sent one profile and they were approved at the same time as R&A by the same local authority. I guess it proves that no two couples are the same. They are getting quite frustrated about it, but there isn’t a lot they can do. We expect our wait to be quite long as well. At least we’ll know that it’s not because of being a gay couple, since other couples are also kept waiting for quite a while!

One really good thing at the moment is that we’re both feeling really positive. If you’ve been reading our story from the beginning you may recall that I used to worry that Glen was not as keen on adopting as I was. You should have seen his reaction when the letter confirming our approval arrived. He was so happy and excited. We were both expecting that after being approved we’d have an “oh my god what have we done?” panicky moment, but it hasn’t really happened. Which is not to say it won’t happen at some point... Of course we are sure that we want to do this and really looking forward to what lies ahead, but this is a life-changing process and it would be wrong not to wonder whether you really are prepared for something so major and so full of uncertainties. Like I say, so far we’re really positive, though. We’re going to be kept busy by work and the loft conversion while we wait anyway. And we should really think of making a list of everything we want to do before we’re matched with a child (or children), as we sure won’t have time to do anything after that!

Panel day

Last night Glen was uncharacteristically nervous. He’s normally the quiet one and I am the one who gets fidgety but I was really calm. I think it was to compensate for Glen’s nerves. We sat down and read some of the stuff we’d written during the home study and then prepared the questions that Miranda had suggested we might be asked. The big question was how we might explain Glen’s relationship with his dad to a child in our care. We came up with good points to make but Glen was really uncomfortable and nervous and then he told me that he was sure that we were going to be turned down and it would be his fault. He really felt that the issue with his father was going to be the one we could not overcome and felt responsible as it was on his side of the family, so to speak. I reminded him that we could explain that he (Glen) is not responsible for his father’s actions and it was not his fault. We watched some TV and went to bed late to make sure we’d be tired and not spend half the night tossing and turning trying to go to sleep.

When we woke up we opened the curtains to find a grey foggy day. We turned on the news and heard that Madonna’s adoption attempt had failed. Was it an omen? Was today a day for failed adoption dreams? We drove 40 minutes down to the place where the local authority panel meets. On the way I read out the text messages and messages from friends and the comments left on this blog. It was really sweet to feel the support from everyone, even people we’ve never met, so thank you to those who wished us good luck, it meant a lot this morning.

We arrived at the hall where panel meets just after 11. R and A, the couple we met in preparation groups who had their matching panel today were there, waiting to hear the outcome of their panel. We said a quick hello and then we were ushered to the far side of the room to give them some privacy. We saw the panel chair approach them and could see their smiles. They came over to us as soon as the chair left and told us they’ve been matched with a 9-month little girl. They were glowing with happiness. It was really sweet to hear such good news and to see such a positive outcome for them.

Miranda arrived then and looked nervous. She said that she’d been over the paperwork again last night and was feeling confident (even though she didn’t look it). The panel chair approached us, introduced herself and explained they would first start the meeting with Miranda and then she (the chair) would come to get us. They went up to the panel room at 11.15 and we sat waiting by the drinks machine. We had another look at the notes we’d prepared last night to answer the questions and tried not to get too nervous. Glen spilled his coffee three times, although thankfully he managed to avoid spilling it all over himself.

The chair came down at 12.10 to fetch us. We made our way up the stairs and entered the room. For some reason in my head I had pictured it as some sort of courtroom, but it was just a large table with lots of people sat around it. The panel members all had a sign before them with their names and their roles. They each introduced themselves in turn. There were about 10 members (chair, medical advisor, social workers, adopters acting as independent members, a guy from CAMHS, an administrator, and an observer as well as the panel advisor from our local authority and Miranda). It felt like a huge number of people, but most of them were smiling and it didn’t feel too threatening. The chair listed what they thought our strengths were and then asked us about how we’d found the assessment process and to identify the one thing that had stood out in the learning process. We spoke of how we’d found the process less intrusive than we’d expected and how contact with birth families was probably the issue that we’d have never considered before preparation groups and now understood why it needs to happen if possible. After that she asked Glen about his working pattern, and whether he’d have to spend many nights away from home. Glen replied that he hardly ever has to be away because of his job any more as it’s changed recently and many things can be done online. The next question was about our marital status. They were a bit confused by the fact that we were married in Spain and how that “translated” under UK law. Glen replied that “the marriage means nothing”, and I had to step in to explain that what he meant was that it wasn’t recognised as a marriage under UK law but it was recognised as a civil partnership. Everyone laughed at Glen’s wording. Then we were asked if we had a preference for boys or girls. We explained that most of the parents in our support network have boys and of course we feel somewhat better prepared for boys having been boys ourselves. We added that it has been pointed out to us that gay men tend to be matched with boys. The next question was about female role models. We mentioned the names of females in our support network and also made the point that our support network will include the parents of the children that any child matched with us meets at school or other activities. Finally we were asked about other gay parents we had met and whether they had encountered any bad reactions. We talked about NFS members and in particular about S&J, whom I’ve mentioned here before, and how they hadn’t experienced any problems with other kids, their parents, or the teachers at their boy’s school. While we spoke most members were nodding and smiling and we weren’t made to feel uncomfortable at all, although one of the members looked quite stern.

After about 15 minutes of questions we were asked to wait downstairs while they discussed their decision. As soon as we got downstairs we both commented on the fact that we’d not been asked about Glen’s father at all. After all the preparation we’d made for that particular question and how much it had been stressed to us that that could be the biggest hurdle for panel! We decided that either they were so clear that they weren’t going to approve us that it wasn’t worth bothering to go down that line of questioning or Miranda really had done her job at explaining the situation.

Ten minutes after we’d left the room Miranda and the chair came down. Miranda was quite poker-faced, so I did fear the worst for a moment, but the chair said “you can smile now” and then she said how pleased she was to say that we’d been unanimously approved. We were both so relieved! She told us that because of Easter it may be a while before we get the letter of approval from the decision maker (who has to write to us within five working days) but she said that the outcome was unlikely to be any different from the panel’s recommendation given that their decision had been unanimous.

Once the chair had left, Miranda told us what they’d asked about during the time she’d been defending our case. She said that among our strong points were our support network, stable relationship, very good references, and our voluntary work. She also said that they thought that Glen’s relationship with his father and brother was something that an adopted child could relate to, as is the fact that I have mild dyslexic tendencies, and my experiences of bullying at school.

We got in the car and texted everyone. The first reply came from Glen’s mum and that made us get quite emotional. All the way home we got lots of lovely texts from friends and family. I was reading them to Glen, who was driving, and my voice kept shaking as I read them out. We stopped to get something to eat and I did a quick blog update on my mobile (the wonder of mobile technologies!).

By the time we got home it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing, so it’s taken me a few hours to write this with the constant breaks to answer it. We’ve booked a table at our favourite restaurant and we’ll be having a quiet celebration just the two of us. Tomorrow we’re seeing some of our friends and we’ll have a bigger celebration. We are absolutely delighted and physically and emotionally drained. This has been a day we’ll never forget.

Good news for our fellow prospective adopters

Yesterday we had dinner with our small local prospective adopters’ group (two mixed-sex couples: R&A, one of the couples we met at prep groups, and G&S, two friends who started their adoption process a few months before we did). Both couples had good news to share: G&S have identified two sets of children that they are interested in and their social worker agrees that they would be a good match, so she is going to get in touch with their respective social workers to arrange visits if possible. There is even better news for R&A, who were approved after their panel was undecided and were left hanging around for about three weeks before the decision maker finally said yes: they are going to matching panel next week! We are so excited for them. They will actually go to panel just before us, so we will probably see them on the day. All this talk of panel started to make us a bit nervous about it, though.

Today Glen is on an all-day first aid course with the scouts. It’s part of his beavers training. He’s been doing a few courses and continues to go every week. He’s really getting involved and enjoying it.

Today we’ve received the letter from our local authority confirming the time of our panel, giving us directions, and asking us to reply confirming that we would like to attend the panel. We were under the impression that we would get a list of the panel members and we haven’t, though. We may ask about that, as it would be good to know who we will be facing.